Why do "skinny" remarks sting just as much?

leeann82

leeann82

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Let me lay out how I got here...back in 2019, my starting weight was above 350...367 if I remember right, though I can't be totally certain now....what I do remember is being so appalled by that number that I turned away immediately. After a bit of research I jumped into strict keto, picking things up as I went...kept at it for roughly 1.5 years. I reached 240 and then the scale quit moving. I traveled to mexico for a gastric bypass. That brought me to 160. 8 months after that operation I went back to mexico for skin removal #1, then returned 6 months later for skin removal #2. Across both procedures, 15 pounds of skin came off in total, which put me at 145. Over the following couple of years, my life unraveled and the weight came back, leaving me at 178. This February.. on the 6th, I began tirz...over the next couple of months I added a few more peps. As of today, at 5'4", I'm 125 and sitting right in the middle of the normal bmi range. The trouble is...daily...several times a day...comments keep coming, and honestly they land just as badly as the fat comments used to. Just this week, 2 people asked whether I have cancer, 1 asked if I'd become a junkie, 2 asked if I was anorexic, and 5 asked if I was sick. I was also told I look fragile and weak. Sure, my face has gotten much narrower, and I've aged too...I just turned 44 and I'm in perimenopause. My cheeks are somewhat sunken in...but even so...I believe this is the best I have ever looked in my whole life. I fit into small pants, or size 5 jeans, and a medium top. I am definitely not a size 0 extra small...there's still some chub on me. My ribs are not protruding...I've only just begun exercising to build muscle...

has anyone else gone through this? It's really doing a number on my confidence...
 
If your goal right now is to transform yourself, then the real answer is strength training, done seriously. But if your goal is to transform what other people think and say, that's a battle you'll almost certainly lose. The only lever you actually have is how you frame it.

To start with, most people speak without thinking first. A lot of the time they're simply echoing bad ideas that got planted in their heads by the people around them and by society in general. Often it isn't what they genuinely think, it's how they were programmed. And second, anyone who comments on your appearance is probably not content with themselves.

At the end of the day, how you feel is something you have to take charge of. There's a saying that goes, no one can make you feel anything without your permission. So when somebody says something and you tell yourself "I'm not going to give that jerk the power to make me feel bad about myself," you take back your power over how you feel.

I could go on for pages, but if this is really weighing on you, a good therapist can do more than I can to help you reframe things and handle negativity coming from other people.

One side note about the gym. You've probably lost a good amount of muscle, and you could gain a lot of it back fairly quickly by lifting weights with real intensity. Women often don't push hard enough with weights to actually see the gains they're after. If you push it, you can likely make some positive changes pretty fast.
 
5byfive said:

If your goal right now is to transform yourself, then the real answer is strength training, done seriously. But if your goal is to transform what other people think and say, that's a battle you'll almost certainly lose. The only lever you actually have is how you frame it.

To start with, most people speak without thinking first. A lot of the time they're simply echoing bad ideas that got planted in their heads by the people around them and by society in general. Often it isn't what they genuinely think, it's how they were programmed. And second, anyone who comments on your appearance is probably not content with themselves.

At the end of the day, how you feel is something you have to take charge of. There's a saying that goes, no one can make you feel anything without your permission. So when somebody says something and you tell yourself "I'm not going to give that jerk the power to make me feel bad about myself," you take back your power over how you feel.

I could go on for pages, but if this is really weighing on you, a good therapist can do more than I can to help you reframe things and handle negativity coming from other people.

One side note about the gym. You've probably lost a good amount of muscle, and you could gain a lot of it back fairly quickly by lifting weights with real intensity. Women often don't push hard enough with weights to actually see the gains they're after. If you push it, you can likely make some positive changes pretty fast.
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I appreciate the time you took to write such a detailed, thoughtful response. Most of the time, what other people think doesn't bother me. What I think is getting to me is the frequency — it's happening multiple times every day, and that's when it starts to wear on me.

No question, I've lost muscle, lol... I picked up a weight bench and a bunch of weights so I could get started. To begin with I'm going very light and lifting 3x a week. There's a rib issue and a hip issue that I don't want to exasperate, but once those heal, it's on like Donkey Kong!
 
At 125 lbs, that's ideal. Honestly, absolutely ideal. Fantastic job!!

Truth be told, hardly any of us qualify as flawless specimens, and no matter what the wellness crowd claims, none of us were built without flaws. Things inside us break down, and the result is extra weight, or in my case crippling autoimmune conditions that wreak havoc. My own take is that the key to being content overall comes down to accepting yourself, and based on the small portion I read earlier, you've got every reason to feel proud of what you've pulled off!!! Just the health gains by themselves are enormous.

I'm a 62-year-old man, once an athlete, and these days simply an aging guy. For my money, the athletic physique is the most appealing. Neither bony and frail nor the all-too-typical slightly heavy. Instead, defined and in shape. And sure, that frequently brings a sharper facial appearance. That look of commitment, I adore it.
 
What I really want to know is: how close are you to the folks making those comments, and can you decide whether they get to be around you? I'm the same age and the same size as you, and nobody would describe me as frail or unwell. Strangers aren't really part of my daily life either, yet I still cross paths with plenty of people each week — and not 1 person I know would dare say something cruel about how I look directly to my face. If that ever happened, they'd never get another conversation with me.
 
First, well done on the weight you've dropped. Regardless of the method, for most people, weight loss is never simple.

Keep in mind that beauty is highly subjective. One person's "10/10" might be someone else's "5/10". If you feel you're as beautiful as you've ever been, that's the only opinion that counts. Pleasing everyone is impossible, and that can be hard to accept. It's fine to feel how you feel right now; you've achieved something incredible. Still, it can seem like that isn't enough to earn the praise you deserve. Nobody is owed an explanation or a story from you about why you look the way you do. Keep working on your physique in whatever way YOU decide is right.

Now and then I'd hear irritating remarks about being lean. At my leanest, my abs stood out clearly. Occasionally women would tell me they prefer a man with a belly. I figured it came from their own insecurities, so I never fired back with insults. As someone who goes to the gym, I find it funny that I get far more comments about my body from people who never set foot in a gym or train at all. Stay true to who you are; it really sounds like you know precisely how you want to look. Your happiness will always be someone else's pain.
 
Many of us, I'd bet, carry around embarrassment about having once been "fat," and it doesn't disappear just because the weight is gone. Not long ago I saw an interview featuring Jerry O'Connell. He describes how, even now, it bothers him when strangers label him the "fat kid from Stand by Me." That's a useful reminder about refusing to let other people's words burrow under your skin.

Added after posting: As others have pointed out, those compliments with a sting are almost certainly jealousy/envy. You did an AMAZING JOB and you need to remind yourself of that! 🙂
 
leeann82 said:

Let me lay out how I got here...back in 2019, my starting weight was above 350...367 if I remember right, though I can't be totally certain now....what I do remember is being so appalled by that number that I turned away immediately. After a bit of research I jumped into strict keto, picking things up as I went...kept at it for roughly 1.5 years. I reached 240 and then the scale quit moving. I traveled to mexico for a gastric bypass. That brought me to 160. 8 months after that operation I went back to mexico for skin removal #1, then returned 6 months later for skin removal #2. Across both procedures, 15 pounds of skin came off in total, which put me at 145. Over the following couple of years, my life unraveled and the weight came back, leaving me at 178. This February.. on the 6th, I began tirz...over the next couple of months I added a few more peps. As of today, at 5'4", I'm 125 and sitting right in the middle of the normal bmi range. The trouble is...daily...several times a day...comments keep coming, and honestly they land just as badly as the fat comments used to. Just this week, 2 people asked whether I have cancer, 1 asked if I'd become a junkie, 2 asked if I was anorexic, and 5 asked if I was sick. I was also told I look fragile and weak. Sure, my face has gotten much narrower, and I've aged too...I just turned 44 and I'm in perimenopause. My cheeks are somewhat sunken in...but even so...I believe this is the best I have ever looked in my whole life. I fit into small pants, or size 5 jeans, and a medium top. I am definitely not a size 0 extra small...there's still some chub on me. My ribs are not protruding...I've only just begun exercising to build muscle...

has anyone else gone through this? It's really doing a number on my confidence...
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Step away from the glp for 1 or 2 weeks and refeed.

What people fail to grasp is that these put you into a severe calorie deficit. Some folks I've come across have even lost their hair.

Many don't catch on, yet their calorie deficit can climb past 1000 cal a day at times.

Sure, the weight comes off fast, but that pace can't hold up forever without drawbacks showing up.

So take the odd break here and there, and push your calories up for a stretch.

Dietary nutrition and biology aren't something you can dodge. Once your body flips into starvation mode, an unhealthy look is what you get. The only fix is to eat more food for a short period.
 
leeann82 said:

Let me lay out how I got here...back in 2019, my starting weight was above 350...367 if I remember right, though I can't be totally certain now....what I do remember is being so appalled by that number that I turned away immediately. After a bit of research I jumped into strict keto, picking things up as I went...kept at it for roughly 1.5 years. I reached 240 and then the scale quit moving. I traveled to mexico for a gastric bypass. That brought me to 160. 8 months after that operation I went back to mexico for skin removal #1, then returned 6 months later for skin removal #2. Across both procedures, 15 pounds of skin came off in total, which put me at 145. Over the following couple of years, my life unraveled and the weight came back, leaving me at 178. This February.. on the 6th, I began tirz...over the next couple of months I added a few more peps. As of today, at 5'4", I'm 125 and sitting right in the middle of the normal bmi range. The trouble is...daily...several times a day...comments keep coming, and honestly they land just as badly as the fat comments used to. Just this week, 2 people asked whether I have cancer, 1 asked if I'd become a junkie, 2 asked if I was anorexic, and 5 asked if I was sick. I was also told I look fragile and weak. Sure, my face has gotten much narrower, and I've aged too...I just turned 44 and I'm in perimenopause. My cheeks are somewhat sunken in...but even so...I believe this is the best I have ever looked in my whole life. I fit into small pants, or size 5 jeans, and a medium top. I am definitely not a size 0 extra small...there's still some chub on me. My ribs are not protruding...I've only just begun exercising to build muscle...

has anyone else gone through this? It's really doing a number on my confidence...
Click to expand...

Haters will always hate! That's jealousy talking. What you've done is incredible.
 
randompersonrandom said:

What I really want to know is: how close are you to the folks making those comments, and can you decide whether they get to be around you? I'm the same age and the same size as you, and nobody would describe me as frail or unwell. Strangers aren't really part of my daily life either, yet I still cross paths with plenty of people each week — and not 1 person I know would dare say something cruel about how I look directly to my face. If that ever happened, they'd never get another conversation with me.
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Most of the people saying this work under me. I'm in charge of 76 staff members. Over half of them have stayed on my team for 10+ years, so they've watched every phase of my transformation. As for the junkie remark—that came from my dad..😒
 
Part of the reason, I believe, is that these folks carried around a mental image of you from years back, when you were still very overweight. Now that you are not overweight at all, that image in their head no longer fits, which triggers cognitive dissonance — so to them you look wrong, even though by any objective measure you look better. It is not really a conscious process, and it makes no real sense, but it surfaces as remarks about being skinny. That does not excuse the poor manners involved, but otherwise, congratulations on reaching roughly 1/3 of your starting weight.
 
Honestly, when someone makes a big positive change for themselves, a lot of people get deeply uncomfortable, because in their own heads it shines a light on what they haven't done. So they'll tear you down however they can. Crabs in a bucket. They watch you climbing out and they try to drag you back down with them. What they say really isn't about you at all — it's about their own insecurities. Congratulations on your journey. Don't look back at the haters or give them a second thought. Embrace those that lift you up, because those are the real ones. The rest is just noise.
 
leeann82 said:

Let me lay out how I got here...back in 2019, my starting weight was above 350...367 if I remember right, though I can't be totally certain now....what I do remember is being so appalled by that number that I turned away immediately. After a bit of research I jumped into strict keto, picking things up as I went...kept at it for roughly 1.5 years. I reached 240 and then the scale quit moving. I traveled to mexico for a gastric bypass. That brought me to 160. 8 months after that operation I went back to mexico for skin removal #1, then returned 6 months later for skin removal #2. Across both procedures, 15 pounds of skin came off in total, which put me at 145. Over the following couple of years, my life unraveled and the weight came back, leaving me at 178. This February.. on the 6th, I began tirz...over the next couple of months I added a few more peps. As of today, at 5'4", I'm 125 and sitting right in the middle of the normal bmi range. The trouble is...daily...several times a day...comments keep coming, and honestly they land just as badly as the fat comments used to. Just this week, 2 people asked whether I have cancer, 1 asked if I'd become a junkie, 2 asked if I was anorexic, and 5 asked if I was sick. I was also told I look fragile and weak. Sure, my face has gotten much narrower, and I've aged too...I just turned 44 and I'm in perimenopause. My cheeks are somewhat sunken in...but even so...I believe this is the best I have ever looked in my whole life. I fit into small pants, or size 5 jeans, and a medium top. I am definitely not a size 0 extra small...there's still some chub on me. My ribs are not protruding...I've only just begun exercising to build muscle...

has anyone else gone through this? It's really doing a number on my confidence...
Click to expand...
Way to go on everything you've accomplished!! That's such a huge amount to carry!! Give yourself kinder words and kinder thoughts. Some moments will be tougher than others, but try not to let others' opinions land on you. And how quickly you pulled it off is incredible!!

How many mg did you work your way up to?
 
leeann82 said:

randompersonrandom said:

What I really want to know is: how close are you to the folks making those comments, and can you decide whether they get to be around you? I'm the same age and the same size as you, and nobody would describe me as frail or unwell. Strangers aren't really part of my daily life either, yet I still cross paths with plenty of people each week — and not 1 person I know would dare say something cruel about how I look directly to my face. If that ever happened, they'd never get another conversation with me.
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Most of the people saying this work under me. I'm in charge of 76 staff members. Over half of them have stayed on my team for 10+ years, so they've watched every phase of my transformation. As for the junkie remark—that came from my dad..😒
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Your dad saying that... that's rough, I'm really sorry you had to hear it.

When the hurt comes from someone who's supposed to back you no matter what, it cuts deeper than anything else.
 
leeann82 said:

randompersonrandom said:

What I really want to know is: how close are you to the folks making those comments, and can you decide whether they get to be around you? I'm the same age and the same size as you, and nobody would describe me as frail or unwell. Strangers aren't really part of my daily life either, yet I still cross paths with plenty of people each week — and not 1 person I know would dare say something cruel about how I look directly to my face. If that ever happened, they'd never get another conversation with me.
Click to expand...
Most of the people saying this work under me. I'm in charge of 76 staff members. Over half of them have stayed on my team for 10+ years, so they've watched every phase of my transformation. As for the junkie remark—that came from my dad..😒
Click to expand...
I'm speechless. My boss means a great deal to me. Stress and feeling swamped have caused him to gain weight, since he's juggling an enormous amount at the moment, plus he's nearing middle age. Given that he belongs to a group where extra pounds translate into serious health consequences, I really don't want him to continue putting on weight. Even so, I'd rather bite off my own tongue than blurt out an unrequested judgment about his body. The nearest I've gotten was when he said that a teammate and I look so trim and healthy that he's considering returning to the gym; I jumped at the chance to propose that the whole team might try some enjoyable fitness arrangement, such as a few hikes, tracking steps, or along those lines.

It baffles me that the people working under you believe they can simply voice every thought that pops into their heads.
 
leeann82 said:

Let me lay out how I got here...back in 2019, my starting weight was above 350...367 if I remember right, though I can't be totally certain now....what I do remember is being so appalled by that number that I turned away immediately. After a bit of research I jumped into strict keto, picking things up as I went...kept at it for roughly 1.5 years. I reached 240 and then the scale quit moving. I traveled to mexico for a gastric bypass. That brought me to 160. 8 months after that operation I went back to mexico for skin removal #1, then returned 6 months later for skin removal #2. Across both procedures, 15 pounds of skin came off in total, which put me at 145. Over the following couple of years, my life unraveled and the weight came back, leaving me at 178. This February.. on the 6th, I began tirz...over the next couple of months I added a few more peps. As of today, at 5'4", I'm 125 and sitting right in the middle of the normal bmi range. The trouble is...daily...several times a day...comments keep coming, and honestly they land just as badly as the fat comments used to. Just this week, 2 people asked whether I have cancer, 1 asked if I'd become a junkie, 2 asked if I was anorexic, and 5 asked if I was sick. I was also told I look fragile and weak. Sure, my face has gotten much narrower, and I've aged too...I just turned 44 and I'm in perimenopause. My cheeks are somewhat sunken in...but even so...I believe this is the best I have ever looked in my whole life. I fit into small pants, or size 5 jeans, and a medium top. I am definitely not a size 0 extra small...there's still some chub on me. My ribs are not protruding...I've only just begun exercising to build muscle...

has anyone else gone through this? It's really doing a number on my confidence...
Click to expand...
People are always going to talk. Just focus on yourself. If anyone wants to know your secret for dropping the weight, say: " It was drugs, bitch, whats it to you?!"
 
Over the past 8 months, the names people call me shifted from "Fat X" to "Somali X." The weight-related insults never bothered me, and these new ones don't either. It's the same pattern regardless: people can't tell whether I'm genuinely ill or dealing with something else. When someone does ask, I just say it's the good china drugs.

I'd guess plenty of us who've dropped a lot of weight have encountered this within our own circles, or are still going through it.

What matters is that you like how you look and that you love yourself.
 
leeann82 said:

Let me lay out how I got here...back in 2019, my starting weight was above 350...367 if I remember right, though I can't be totally certain now....what I do remember is being so appalled by that number that I turned away immediately. After a bit of research I jumped into strict keto, picking things up as I went...kept at it for roughly 1.5 years. I reached 240 and then the scale quit moving. I traveled to mexico for a gastric bypass. That brought me to 160. 8 months after that operation I went back to mexico for skin removal #1, then returned 6 months later for skin removal #2. Across both procedures, 15 pounds of skin came off in total, which put me at 145. Over the following couple of years, my life unraveled and the weight came back, leaving me at 178. This February.. on the 6th, I began tirz...over the next couple of months I added a few more peps. As of today, at 5'4", I'm 125 and sitting right in the middle of the normal bmi range. The trouble is...daily...several times a day...comments keep coming, and honestly they land just as badly as the fat comments used to. Just this week, 2 people asked whether I have cancer, 1 asked if I'd become a junkie, 2 asked if I was anorexic, and 5 asked if I was sick. I was also told I look fragile and weak. Sure, my face has gotten much narrower, and I've aged too...I just turned 44 and I'm in perimenopause. My cheeks are somewhat sunken in...but even so...I believe this is the best I have ever looked in my whole life. I fit into small pants, or size 5 jeans, and a medium top. I am definitely not a size 0 extra small...there's still some chub on me. My ribs are not protruding...I've only just begun exercising to build muscle...

has anyone else gone through this? It's really doing a number on my confidence...
Click to expand...
Steer clear of that kind of poisonous jerk.
 
get busy on something big / PAY THEM NO MIND

start lifting

follow your own path

stay well

ignore outside opinions

it is only envy
 
Through all the losing and regaining, I've come to see that when someone says something about how you look without being asked, it says more about them — good or bad. It's made me notice how often all of us, myself included, size people up by their bodies. Even a nice remark can remind me that eyes are on me and opinions are forming constantly, and that's an uneasy feeling (I'm guilty of doing the same to others). Sometimes a surprise compliment lands well, and I'll admit my mood and the moment decide how I take it, but other times my head just goes, ugh, I don't want to get into this with you.

So, well done on how far you've come, and I hope you stay healthy and hit whatever targets are YOURS, no matter what they look like. Here's to all of us having the confidence & clarity to keep our attention in the right place, and the empathy to be kind to each other.
 
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