whiff sensei
Explorer
Hi all,
A real wall in life is what brought me to this point. For a long stretch I kept my head down in a workplace that was volatile and toxic, and the cost to my mental health built up over that time. Prescribed amphetamines for ADHD have been part of my life for the past 8–9 months, taken while putting in 10–12 hour days beneath relentless pressure and deadlines nobody could meet. Several breakdowns have hit me over the last couple of months. Engagement is new for me and that side of life makes me very happy, and work once made me happy as well — then leadership changed, and finding my way through that shift has been brutally hard.
Eating hardly happens while the ADHD meds are in my system, and I don't recognise myself on them. Come the weekend without them, stress gets eaten away in binges until I'm ill. Roughly 40 pounds landed on me out of that cycle, along with a lifestyle that had become entirely sedentary. Working from home means sedentary is literal here: indoors the whole day, apart from the occasional outing with my partner. An environment I can't sustain has been built by the new leadership — no support, deadlines climbing without end, and me losing the capacity to keep pace as burnout took hold.
Putting myself first is finally happening. FMLA was taken, support for my mental health began, and I came to see that anxiety — rather than ADHD — sits at the root of much of what I struggle with, along with a confidence I'd lost. Confidence never came easily to me. Overweight was the kid I was growing up, and even after getting fit and training 6x a week all through college, the mirror still showed that overweight kid back to me. Landing this job, earning a strong wage and collecting glowing reviews finally made me proud of myself. Yet my value hasn't been recognised by the new leadership and I haven't been treated like a human being. Stability and self-assurance were things I'd built, and the fear of losing them stopped me looking for work elsewhere; confronting that recently tipped me into a spiral.
Approved FMLA leave gives me six weeks to look after myself. 4/28 was the day my first dose of Reta went in. Caffeine (soda and coffee) ended that same day, weed ended, added sugars went, and whole foods came back. A B.S. in nutrition is behind me, so the right choices aren't a mystery — what I lacked was the mental clarity to start making them again. High cholesterol has been mine since the age of 18 and statins are something I've hoped to dodge; at 30 now, I know it has to be dealt with before it grows more serious.
Where mental health is concerned, the wrong kinds of dopamine have been my target thanks to ADHD. Vaping was one habit — dropped. Sugar came next. Weed followed, bringing stronger sugar cravings, food noise that never let up, and more anxiety on top. Body image troubles and the amphetamines in my system both feed that anxiety. Every one of these threads has been tangled up with the others, leaving me an anxious wreck. My hope is that the dopaminergic action of Reta helps with the compulsive eating and oral fixation I've fought with. Lexapro has been added as well, and therapy is now in place to deal with the anxiety head on.
One week and two doses in now (beginning at .5 mg, then up to 1 mg for week 2), and I feel amazing. Cutting out caffeine, weed and sugar has proved far easier than expected. Holding at 1 mg through the next four weeks, then reassessing, is the plan.
Finding myself again matters most in the end, and so does getting back to what I used to love: weightlifting, nutrition, and a life lived actively and explored rather than endured. Beginning that life alongside my fiancée, with our happiness put first, is what I want — which takes good health and work that doesn't swallow every waking hour. Kayaking with her, hikes together, experiences that are real. Being winded at the top of a staircase is not something I'll accept, and my cholesterol (now past 300) continuing to rise isn't either.
The physical side looks simple enough. At 6'1", my start is 210 pounds, where my body would once settle naturally somewhere near 165–175. Muscle comes naturally to me, and muscle memory has proven strong — changes appear within weeks of getting back under a bar. So a sensible 180–190 is the target, judged by the mirror rather than the scale. Fat has to come off, cravings I've never managed alone have to be brought under control, and the gain has to stop so the course can be corrected and held.
Standing up for myself already comes more easily. Given time, and with a job search under way, I'm hopeful for improvement. My support system is excellent, and since needles make me anxious my fiancée has handled the injections. The second one was watched by me and turned out fine, so self-administering may start soon.
That's the story. A journey lies ahead, mental as much as physical, and with strong spirituality I'll pray over it and carry on. Many of the problems that have sat on me for years appear to be easing on Reta so far, and watching things unfold is something I'm keen for.
Have a blessed one, and thank you for reading.
A real wall in life is what brought me to this point. For a long stretch I kept my head down in a workplace that was volatile and toxic, and the cost to my mental health built up over that time. Prescribed amphetamines for ADHD have been part of my life for the past 8–9 months, taken while putting in 10–12 hour days beneath relentless pressure and deadlines nobody could meet. Several breakdowns have hit me over the last couple of months. Engagement is new for me and that side of life makes me very happy, and work once made me happy as well — then leadership changed, and finding my way through that shift has been brutally hard.
Eating hardly happens while the ADHD meds are in my system, and I don't recognise myself on them. Come the weekend without them, stress gets eaten away in binges until I'm ill. Roughly 40 pounds landed on me out of that cycle, along with a lifestyle that had become entirely sedentary. Working from home means sedentary is literal here: indoors the whole day, apart from the occasional outing with my partner. An environment I can't sustain has been built by the new leadership — no support, deadlines climbing without end, and me losing the capacity to keep pace as burnout took hold.
Putting myself first is finally happening. FMLA was taken, support for my mental health began, and I came to see that anxiety — rather than ADHD — sits at the root of much of what I struggle with, along with a confidence I'd lost. Confidence never came easily to me. Overweight was the kid I was growing up, and even after getting fit and training 6x a week all through college, the mirror still showed that overweight kid back to me. Landing this job, earning a strong wage and collecting glowing reviews finally made me proud of myself. Yet my value hasn't been recognised by the new leadership and I haven't been treated like a human being. Stability and self-assurance were things I'd built, and the fear of losing them stopped me looking for work elsewhere; confronting that recently tipped me into a spiral.
Approved FMLA leave gives me six weeks to look after myself. 4/28 was the day my first dose of Reta went in. Caffeine (soda and coffee) ended that same day, weed ended, added sugars went, and whole foods came back. A B.S. in nutrition is behind me, so the right choices aren't a mystery — what I lacked was the mental clarity to start making them again. High cholesterol has been mine since the age of 18 and statins are something I've hoped to dodge; at 30 now, I know it has to be dealt with before it grows more serious.
Where mental health is concerned, the wrong kinds of dopamine have been my target thanks to ADHD. Vaping was one habit — dropped. Sugar came next. Weed followed, bringing stronger sugar cravings, food noise that never let up, and more anxiety on top. Body image troubles and the amphetamines in my system both feed that anxiety. Every one of these threads has been tangled up with the others, leaving me an anxious wreck. My hope is that the dopaminergic action of Reta helps with the compulsive eating and oral fixation I've fought with. Lexapro has been added as well, and therapy is now in place to deal with the anxiety head on.
One week and two doses in now (beginning at .5 mg, then up to 1 mg for week 2), and I feel amazing. Cutting out caffeine, weed and sugar has proved far easier than expected. Holding at 1 mg through the next four weeks, then reassessing, is the plan.
Finding myself again matters most in the end, and so does getting back to what I used to love: weightlifting, nutrition, and a life lived actively and explored rather than endured. Beginning that life alongside my fiancée, with our happiness put first, is what I want — which takes good health and work that doesn't swallow every waking hour. Kayaking with her, hikes together, experiences that are real. Being winded at the top of a staircase is not something I'll accept, and my cholesterol (now past 300) continuing to rise isn't either.
The physical side looks simple enough. At 6'1", my start is 210 pounds, where my body would once settle naturally somewhere near 165–175. Muscle comes naturally to me, and muscle memory has proven strong — changes appear within weeks of getting back under a bar. So a sensible 180–190 is the target, judged by the mirror rather than the scale. Fat has to come off, cravings I've never managed alone have to be brought under control, and the gain has to stop so the course can be corrected and held.
Standing up for myself already comes more easily. Given time, and with a job search under way, I'm hopeful for improvement. My support system is excellent, and since needles make me anxious my fiancée has handled the injections. The second one was watched by me and turned out fine, so self-administering may start soon.
That's the story. A journey lies ahead, mental as much as physical, and with strong spirituality I'll pray over it and carry on. Many of the problems that have sat on me for years appear to be easing on Reta so far, and watching things unfold is something I'm keen for.
Have a blessed one, and thank you for reading.