Queen_Nothing85
Explorer
There's a saying that the past is nothing more than a narrative we construct for ourselves.
40F | Georgia | Solo Mom | Starting GLP-1
Before Covid: 181lbs | 5'4"
274lbs
Heaviest 274lbs | May 2025
Today: 237lbs
•Hypothyroidism
•High BP
•NAFLD
•Borderline Anemic
•ADHD
•PTSD
•Anxiety
Not a single person exists in my life besides my teenagers, who are remarkably bright and socially conscious, engaged, caring, resilient, and joyful. They're genuinely witty and fun-loving people, and that's not just my bias talking.
It's because they take after their father. He was everything I'm not. He grounded me. He was my logic. My stability. The one who brightened everyone's mornings.
____
The person in the mirror is a stranger to me now.
Covid destroyed my life.
Previously, I was resilient. Organized. Competent. Whatever came at me, I tackled with unwavering determination and actually thrived on the controlled chaos. But honestly, I can't recall a single obstacle that ever truly defeated me.
Real failure was foreign to me.
Giving up was never an option.
I never walked away from a job. Never flopped at anything I committed to.
I practically lived at the gym whatttt… yes, this fat girl right here! Weightlifting is my passion. Until I herniated 2 discs in my neck. Underwent major spinal fusion surgery. Recovered. Remarkably, zero complications.
Truly.
I was content. Motivated. I had direction and achievement. Diplomas. A profession. A social circle.
I mattered to people.
As a daughter, partner, and wife, I was the steady center of gravity for my joyful little family. My body cooperated with me. And now, post-surgery and with age, everything has merged and shifted. I used to have stamina. My brain wouldn't give up. Self-discipline came naturally.
Then I lost the 2 people who kept me grounded and elevated me, they were my anchors. Only recently have I understood how delicate relationships are, how irreplaceable.
Now it feels like that sense of safety and security is something I'll never have again.
Even if I'm creating it for myself, if that makes any sense…
Their existence steadied me, letting me simply be me. Secure. Held. Unshaken. Witnessed.
I was Fucking fearless. And I miss her.
My whole sense of self was crumbling and I had no idea.
The universe said HOLD MY
GIRL WATCH THIS!
Out of nowhere. No heads-up. My mom passed away literally in one night from Cancer and had only been ill 2 days before.
6 months later, my children's father.
Our Superman. My entire universe. The world's greatest dad and most patient teacher and this girl's high school sweetheart who became my lifelong closest friend. My biggest supporter and confidant. My son's hero and my daughter's first love.
He was one of the good ones.
It should have been me.
He was the competent one.
I was merely the backup crew haha.
See, it's that thinking. That awful, cruel voice inside my head. I can't quiet it on my own. And there's no one nearby to hear me screaming.
After everything fell apart, I sat down as the fog lifted somewhat, looked at myself in the mirror, and told myself…
It's time to grow up now.
Because I became the only living person on Earth left standing to protect and provide for my kids.
My other trauma awakened and brought new companions, not the benevolent kind, and the mental anguish and pressure never stops.
Grief didn't only affect me emotionally, it restructured my body. Redrew the map.
Sleep shattered. Appetite shifted. Cravings grew deafening. Food became comfort I think, though I gave it no consideration.
I quit all medications. Spiraled.
My weight kept rising. Inflammation, exhaustion, cognitive haze, zero drive or motivation. It feels like my nervous system has been stuck in fight-or-flight for years.
The hardest part isn't the number on the scale. I don't recognize any of it. I don't want to get comfortable here. I don't want to be afraid of everything. And so utterly incapable and stupid.
My rhythm. My physical strength. My sense of control were instinct I thought.
I'm here because I don't believe this is just willpower. I know my metabolism is off. Doctors say chronic cortisol and insulin resistance are part of this. I believe my body adapted to trauma because my mind couldn't deal. Epic failure.
Insurance does not cover it.
Tried compounding and I lost 10 pounds in 5 months paying out of pocket.
I've seen what it can do. It just doesn't seem to be within my ability to get the product typical ways.
GLP-1 isn't about vanity for me. It's about surviving and showing my kids who their mama was before all this.
They were so young I doubt they truly remember and this can't be the version of me they do remember.
We do not quit. We struggle and appreciate it. We try again. We let people in. And love them hard. Always.
Hope I got personal enough. Forgive me. I actually don't do social media either so this is raw and uncomfortable for my disconnected self.
40F | Georgia | Solo Mom | Starting GLP-1
Before Covid: 181lbs | 5'4"
274lbs
Heaviest 274lbs | May 2025
Today: 237lbs
•Hypothyroidism
•High BP
•NAFLD
•Borderline Anemic
•ADHD
•PTSD
•Anxiety
Not a single person exists in my life besides my teenagers, who are remarkably bright and socially conscious, engaged, caring, resilient, and joyful. They're genuinely witty and fun-loving people, and that's not just my bias talking.
It's because they take after their father. He was everything I'm not. He grounded me. He was my logic. My stability. The one who brightened everyone's mornings.
____
The person in the mirror is a stranger to me now.
Covid destroyed my life.
Previously, I was resilient. Organized. Competent. Whatever came at me, I tackled with unwavering determination and actually thrived on the controlled chaos. But honestly, I can't recall a single obstacle that ever truly defeated me.
Real failure was foreign to me.
Giving up was never an option.
I never walked away from a job. Never flopped at anything I committed to.
I practically lived at the gym whatttt… yes, this fat girl right here! Weightlifting is my passion. Until I herniated 2 discs in my neck. Underwent major spinal fusion surgery. Recovered. Remarkably, zero complications.
Truly.
I was content. Motivated. I had direction and achievement. Diplomas. A profession. A social circle.
I mattered to people.
As a daughter, partner, and wife, I was the steady center of gravity for my joyful little family. My body cooperated with me. And now, post-surgery and with age, everything has merged and shifted. I used to have stamina. My brain wouldn't give up. Self-discipline came naturally.
Then I lost the 2 people who kept me grounded and elevated me, they were my anchors. Only recently have I understood how delicate relationships are, how irreplaceable.
Now it feels like that sense of safety and security is something I'll never have again.
Even if I'm creating it for myself, if that makes any sense…
Their existence steadied me, letting me simply be me. Secure. Held. Unshaken. Witnessed.
I was Fucking fearless. And I miss her.
My whole sense of self was crumbling and I had no idea.
The universe said HOLD MY
GIRL WATCH THIS!Out of nowhere. No heads-up. My mom passed away literally in one night from Cancer and had only been ill 2 days before.
6 months later, my children's father.
Our Superman. My entire universe. The world's greatest dad and most patient teacher and this girl's high school sweetheart who became my lifelong closest friend. My biggest supporter and confidant. My son's hero and my daughter's first love.
He was one of the good ones.
It should have been me.
He was the competent one.
I was merely the backup crew haha.
See, it's that thinking. That awful, cruel voice inside my head. I can't quiet it on my own. And there's no one nearby to hear me screaming.
After everything fell apart, I sat down as the fog lifted somewhat, looked at myself in the mirror, and told myself…
It's time to grow up now.
Because I became the only living person on Earth left standing to protect and provide for my kids.
My other trauma awakened and brought new companions, not the benevolent kind, and the mental anguish and pressure never stops.
Grief didn't only affect me emotionally, it restructured my body. Redrew the map.
Sleep shattered. Appetite shifted. Cravings grew deafening. Food became comfort I think, though I gave it no consideration.
I quit all medications. Spiraled.
My weight kept rising. Inflammation, exhaustion, cognitive haze, zero drive or motivation. It feels like my nervous system has been stuck in fight-or-flight for years.
The hardest part isn't the number on the scale. I don't recognize any of it. I don't want to get comfortable here. I don't want to be afraid of everything. And so utterly incapable and stupid.
My rhythm. My physical strength. My sense of control were instinct I thought.
I'm here because I don't believe this is just willpower. I know my metabolism is off. Doctors say chronic cortisol and insulin resistance are part of this. I believe my body adapted to trauma because my mind couldn't deal. Epic failure.
Insurance does not cover it.
Tried compounding and I lost 10 pounds in 5 months paying out of pocket.
I've seen what it can do. It just doesn't seem to be within my ability to get the product typical ways.
GLP-1 isn't about vanity for me. It's about surviving and showing my kids who their mama was before all this.
They were so young I doubt they truly remember and this can't be the version of me they do remember.
We do not quit. We struggle and appreciate it. We try again. We let people in. And love them hard. Always.
Hope I got personal enough. Forgive me. I actually don't do social media either so this is raw and uncomfortable for my disconnected self.
